Inviting Exploration
I invite you to join me in exploring these themes more deeply. Let’s open ourselves to the idea of death as a final rite of passage in this human experience. How can we honor this journey and create space for ourselves and our loved ones to move through it with grace and understanding?
Together, we can reclaim the conversation around death, seeing it as a natural part of life rather than something to fear or push aside. Let’s celebrate the lives of those who came before us and acknowledge the ways they continue to shape us. [Read more about rites of passage here.]
*In Episode 106 of Depths of Motherhood, I had the honor of speaking with Reverend Olivia, a Death Midwife. Listen here*
This conversation was a powerful continuation of our previous episode with Victoria, where we explored themes of death and free birth. Together, we opened the door to a topic that many find daunting yet essential—death.
Contents
What is a Death Midwife: Overview of support, guidance, and ceremonial role.
Death Ceremonies Around the World: Cultural practices honoring the dead.
Physiological Death: Body's transition process and common signs.
End-of-Life Care and Ceremony: Practical care and rituals for peaceful transition.
Three Days Following Death: Practices honoring the soul's journey.
Unexpected Death: Coping with sudden loss and finding closure.
Grief Meditation and Practices: Meditations and practices for grief.
Reclaiming Rites of Passage: Importance of marking life events with rituals.
What is a Death Midwife?
A Death Midwife offers compassionate guidance for the person passing and their family, helping them navigate each stage of the dying process. They serve as a death doula, spiritual guide, hospice caregiver, and sometimes a home funeral guide or funeral celebrant. Through this mix of roles, a Death Midwife helps create a protected space where families can honor and connect with their loved ones, reviving some of the rituals around death that our modern culture has often lost.
Death Ceremonies around the World
In many cultures, these rituals have long served to honor loved ones during their final moments and strengthen bonds between the remaining ones. This is one of the most important rites of passage, alongside our birth which offers a channel for wisdom and insight to arrive back to earth.
However, modern society has lost much of this ceremonial aspect, often leaving us feeling isolated and confused in our grief. In Native American traditions, for example, families gather to pray, sing, and tell stories, creating a sacred space for the soul’s transition. In African communities, the passing of a loved one is marked by gathering to drum, sing, and share memories, celebrating their life together. Asian cultures, like Taoism and Buddhism, hold spiritual rituals to guide the departed soul, while Hindu practices include bathing and dressing the body, and honoring the deceased with prayers.
Without connecting to the seasons and cycles of life, death can become a topic of avoidance as it can make us look at our lives, our beliefs, and our contribution to the collective.
The roots of many of our fears, struggles, and challenges often trace back to a primal fear: the fear of death. This ancient instinct—the deep-seated concern that our physical bodies will someday cease—can underlie much of what we feel and face. Yet, through faith and connection to our soul, we remember a powerful truth: the soul is eternal, transcending physical limitations. Meditating on this very topic can transform our experience, easing our anxieties and allowing us to view life’s transitions with greater peace and perspective.
Death can create a powerful opening for forgiveness—of ourselves and others. As we deepen our connection with our ancestors and family, we come to see each person as a soul on their own journey, shaped by distinct experiences, strengths, and challenges. Each of us has a unique role within our family’s constellation, whether or not we fully understand the actions or beliefs of others. This perspective encourages us to release judgment and foster compassion, honoring the shared history and connections that bind us across generations.
As you read this, take a moment to reflect: How do you feel about death? What thoughts or emotions come up for you?
My Personal Experience with Death and Grief
My own experiences with death used to come through the conventional lens of standard funeral services. I remember taking my grandma to arrange my grandad's funeral; she noted how much prices had risen since her last visit and decided to pre-pay for her own funeral right then. At the time, it felt strange but logical, as if death was simply something you handed over to the funeral industry.
But when my brother passed in 2023, my perspective shifted dramatically. I saw how much money was pouring into the typical funeral services, while actual support for our family was overlooked. Donations were being raised for suicide prevention and men’s circles—things that hadn’t been part of my brother’s life—yet little went to help the family he left behind.
In response, I started a fundraiser for my parents, to support to cover the funeral costs. I could see they were uncomfortable with the idea, but I knew people wanted to help—they just didn’t always know how.
When we donate to families the funds can provide meals, time off work, contribution to funeral costs, and some relief during a painful time. This experience was the beginning of my awakening to what we’re missing in our approach to death.
In the past, communities lived side by side, supporting each other through every life event—cooking, praying, and just being present together. Nowadays, that’s not everyone’s reality, and many people don’t have the time or ability to contribute in those ways. I think donations can help bridge this gap. When we can’t show up in person to cook meals or offer hands-on support, donations are a way to offer care and show we’re still here, even from a distance.
After my brother’s passing, I began asking myself profound questions: What rights do we truly have around death? And where would I want my own body to rest someday?
Information about burial and end-of-life choices is accessible, though specific to each country and region. Reflecting on these options throughout my life, I feel drawn to consider how and where I’d want my body to rest.
Today, preserving the body often involves chemicals to slow decomposition, which allows time for family and friends to say their goodbyes. However, I connect more to keeping the body at home for a few days before a natural burial without chemicals takes place. Letting my body return to the earth, nourishing the soil, and becoming part of the life cycle once again.
The Physical and Conscious Transition
Just as we work to understand the natural journey of birth, we can extend that awareness to death. Both are natural processes and seeing them this way helps us appreciate the beauty and significance of each transition. Like with birth, unnecessary interventions can disrupt a natural death journey.
In both birth and death, our bodies go through powerful changes that mirror a shift in consciousness. In birth, we witness the wonder of a new soul entering the world; in death, we witness that soul’s transition back into the unknown. Honoring these as sacred rites of passage means allowing them to unfold in their own way, rather than shaping them by our society’s expectations or fears.
Contributing to a More Conscious Death
To contribute to a more conscious death, we can start by engaging in open conversations about death. Discussing our wishes for end-of-life care, exploring options for natural burials or home funerals, and educating ourselves about the rights we hold in the dying process are all vital steps.
We can also open the discussion with others to think about their own death, contributing to a culture that normalizes these discussions rather than avoiding them.
The Transition of the Physical Body
Death is defined by the stopping of heart, lung, or brain function, but cells don’t all die instantly. Some can live briefly after death, using remaining oxygen and energy until depleted. You can explore more details in this Nature article.
The physiological and neurological changes that occur during death are generally consistent, but they can vary depending on the cause of death and individual circumstances.
In natural deaths, such as those caused by aging or illness, the body’s systems typically slow down gradually. The heart rate decreases, blood flow diminishes, and organs begin to lose their ability to function. Breathing becomes shallow and irregular, and eventually, it stops. Neurologically, the brain experiences reduced oxygen and blood flow, leading to the loss of consciousness and, ultimately, brain death.
Recent research reveals that as the body approaches death, there may be a surge of brain activity that resembles conscious awareness. This study found a pattern of gamma waves—the brainwaves linked to consciousness, memory recall, and dreaming—suggesting that the brain might have a brief, heightened state as life fades. This activity could explain near-death experiences often described by individuals who have been close to death, where they report vivid memories or sensations. These findings provide insight into the brain's complex processes during our final moments and raise fascinating questions about awareness at the end of life. (Study finds evidence of increased brain activity right before death)
In cases of sudden death—such as from a heart attack, trauma, or accident—the process is more abrupt, and the body may not undergo the same gradual shutdown. In these instances, brain death can occur almost immediately, leaving little time for the typical physiological changes associated with dying.
Though the timing and nature of these changes can vary, the general trend remains the same: the body and brain undergo significant shifts as they transition from life to death.
Creating a Sacred Space: End-of-Life Care
When we approach the end of life, creating a sacred and intentional space can deepen the experience for both the person transitioning and their loved ones.
Elements of a Bedside Ceremony
Setting Up an Altar: An altar can be a focal point in the room, adorned with meaningful items that reflect the life and spirit of the person who is passing. This might include photographs, mementos, flowers, or anything that holds significance for the individual and their family. It acts as a visual reminder of the person’s journey and the love shared within the family.
Conscious Conversations: The conversations we engage in while gathered around the bedside hold immense power. Speak with intention, share memories, express love, or simply be in your presence. This can be a time to share stories, laughter, and tears, creating an atmosphere that celebrates the person’s life while also recognizing the transition they are making.
Clearing the Air: Consider incorporating prayers, songs, humming or chants into the ceremony to help clear the energy in the space. The sound vibrations from a gentle song or a heartfelt prayer can create a sense of peace and connection.
Opening Windows: If possible, open a window to invite fresh air into the room. This simple act symbolizes the opening of a passage, allowing both the spirit of the transitioning individual to move freely and inviting the energy of the outside world into the intimate space.
Burning Herbs: Herbs such as sage, lavender, or sweetgrass can be burned to cleanse the space and create a calming atmosphere. The aroma can evoke feelings of serenity and connection, helping to ground everyone in the present moment. You might also consider placing bowls of herbs around the altar to further welcome the support from the plants.
Here is a list of some of the common physical signs observed in someone nearing the end of life:
Cold Hands and Feet: Often due to reduced blood flow to extremities.
Decreased Urine Output: Kidney function slows, leading to darker, infrequent urination.
Changes in Breathing: Irregular breathing patterns, including Cheyne-Stokes (alternating rapid breaths and pauses).
Loss of Appetite and Thirst: Reduced interest in food and fluids.
Weakening Pulse: The heart rate may slow and become faint.
Disorientation or Reduced Responsiveness: Awareness may fluctuate.
Changes in Skin Color: Skin may appear mottled or bluish.
Eyes May Remain Partially Open: A common occurrence as muscles relax.
Continuing the Ceremony as Their Soul Leaves
In those delicate final moments, we can help ease a loved one’s transition by being fully present, offering love and silent reflection. As the soul gradually departs, the energy in the space often shifts, and our quiet, compassionate awareness can create a meaningful atmosphere for this sacred farewell. Through this mindful presence, we honor the passage as a deeply shared moment, surrounding them with peace and allowing both loved ones and those gathered to say goodbye with tenderness.
We might consider:
Reciting Their Wishes: If they shared specific wishes for how they wanted to be honored after death, voice these aloud as a form of tribute. This act acknowledges their autonomy and reinforces the bond that remains, even in death.
Engaging in Rituals: Light another candle, burn herbs, or play music that resonates with their soul. These actions can help create a loving atmosphere, encouraging their spirit to feel at peace as it transitions.
3 Days Following the Death Ceremony
In many traditions, the three days following death are viewed as a profound time of transition, not only for the body but also, in many spiritual beliefs, for the soul or consciousness.
Physical Changes: After death, the body undergoes several natural processes. In the first few hours, the body cools as it loses its warmth, a process called algor mortis. The muscles then begin to stiffen, known as rigor mortis, typically peaking around 12 hours after death before gradually relaxing over the next one to two days. Blood settles in the body, causing skin discoloration (called livor mortis), and cellular breakdown begins, which can lead to changes in appearance and odor as tissues naturally decompose.
Neurological and Cellular Processes: Though consciousness is gone, cells continue their own processes briefly after death. Neurons and other cells may still show signs of activity as they use up remaining resources, though this generally lasts only a few minutes. Over the following hours and days, cells begin to break down in a process called autolysis, where enzymes start dissolving cellular structures.
Spiritual Beliefs and Cultural Practices: In many spiritual and cultural traditions, the three days after death hold significant meaning. In Buddhism, some believe the spirit remains near the body during this period, observing the transition and preparing to move on. Similarly, in many Indigenous and ancient cultures, there’s a belief that the soul takes time to release from the physical world, supported by prayers, rituals, and vigil-keeping by loved ones.
The word "vigil" comes from the Latin word vigil, meaning "wakefulness" or "watchfulness." It reflects the idea of staying awake or keeping watch, especially during nighttime hours. In the context of death, a vigil represents a time of intentional wakefulness, as loved ones keep watch over the deceased to honor their memory, offer prayers or reflection, and mark this significant transition.
Honoring the Dance of Grief
As the journey of grief unfolds, it often deepens in ways we cannot anticipate. Just like the postpartum experience, grief requires a compassionate approach that nurtures our psychological, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
Embracing the Elements of Healing and Grieving
Nourishing Food: Just as new mothers need nourishing food to support their recovery, those who grieve require the same level of care. Prepare meals that comfort the soul, filled with love and intention.
Movement and Body Work: Whether it’s yoga, walking, or dancing, movement allows us to process our emotions physically. It releases pent-up energy and creates a space for expression. After my brother died I danced EVERY night for 30 days, and I believe this was a huge support to my journey.
Rest and Reflection: Grief can be exhausting, both physically and emotionally. Allow yourself the time and space to rest. This might mean taking quiet moments for meditation, journaling, or simply sitting in silence. These acts of reflection can help integrate your experiences and emotions, allowing the grieving process to unfold naturally.
Good Company: Surround yourself with supportive people who can hold space for your grief. Welcome friends, family, or support groups who understand the depths of loss.
Dancing with Grief: Prepare to dance with your grief, embracing its ebb and flow. Understand that grief is not linear; it comes in waves, sometimes crashing over you unexpectedly. Allow yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions without judgment. This dance may involve laughter and tears, joy and sorrow, as you honor the complexity of your journey.
Honoring Unexpected Death: A Personal Journey
In the face of unexpected death, such as the loss of my brother, I found myself revisiting the moment he took his last breath. This experience served as a huge part of my healing and integrating process.
Creating a Sacred Ritual
I remember sitting in front of the door where he departed this world. That space felt charged with emotion—a physical threshold marking the passage between life and death. In that moment, I wanted to create a sanctuary, a sacred space that honored my love for him and the journey he’d just taken.
I lit a candle, its warm glow symbolizing the light he brought into my life and the lives he touched. The flickering flame felt like his spirit—still present, even in his absence.
Then, I anointed the space with frankincense. Its ancient, grounding aroma filled the air, helping me feel centered. As the scent surrounded me, I sensed an invitation to reach beyond the veil, connecting with him in a way that transcended the physical.
Tuning into Connection
In that moment of stillness, I calmed my whole body and attuned myself to his presence. I closed my eyes and allowed my breath to flow freely, visualizing his spirit as I whispered words of love. I let him know he is seen, cherished, and held in the hearts of those he left behind.
Grief Meditation and Practice
Continue the Conversation and Explore Rites of Passage
Thank you for joining me in this exploration of life’s profound transitions. These rites of passage, from birth to death and every significant threshold in between, invite us to arrive fully, honoring both our own journeys and those of our loved ones. If you’re seeking further guidance and support around death, Reverend Olivia provides a wealth of resources on her website—covering practical insights, spiritual reflections, and tools for creating meaningful ceremonies.
Depths of Motherhood Podcast (Listen here to our converstion)
Reintegration: Rites of Passage
In my practice and through the people I sit with, I’ve witnessed how every rite of passage holds unique teachings and gifts. Even when these moments feel incomplete or interrupted, they can always be revisited—nothing is lost.
Our spirits remain grounded in love, even as our identities evolve through these life-altering transitions. My work centers on helping others consciously arrive at these defining moments, where we step from one part of ourselves into the next.
Showing up as loving awareness allows us to access deep wisdom within, connecting us with the essence of each experience. In modern life, we often encounter interventions or distractions that can pull us away from fully experiencing these transformative moments, leaving many of us feeling a piece of ourselves remains unintegrated.
If this resonates with you, remember that your journey is valid, just as it is, and you can always return to these experiences, reclaim their gifts, and bring them into your life, community, and even the collective.
How I Can Support Your Journey
My work is to hold space for these rites of passage, whether they touch on beginnings, endings, or transformative times in between. I’m here to witness your journey, honor your story, and guide you through integrating or preparing for these powerful transitions.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to a free 15-minute call to see how we can walk this path together.
Thank you for reading! Love, Danielle xx
Beautiful and insightful reading, Danielle, deeply heart touching.
Reminded me of this book ❤